Life at the JCOP and All that Jazz.

Well as you already know Im not around the Fob much anymore and the internet is nonexistant where I usually am so I dont get much of a chance to communicate. I Work alot when Im out in sector but I rarely do anything when Im back in the Fob. My free time now consists of trying to get my radio to work (not that it has too much of a problem it just doesn't wanna work well with other radios), working out, and learning what I can about shooting and general military knowledge. Im now Team leader of my team and thats changed my outlook on patrolling quite a bit. Theres a big difference between following orders on a dismounted patrol and actually having to come up with the correct orders to give. Like theres times when we need to get off the streets to protect ourselves, The selection of the right house or place to occupy and set up security is my job. Its a split second decision that needs to be done right so as to not step on anyones toes or put ourselves in any more danger. I thought My mind was constantly moving as a saw gunner with trying to learn the team leaders job and watching everything while analizing threat levels and primary concern areas but as the team leader I have to do all that (cause you never fully know the teamleaders job) on top of making the right decisions and knowing where all your men are and where they can see or not see and moving them around to best utilize their weapon systems. Oh and I have a gun too so I have to add myself to the equation and report everything Im doing to higher. My first patrol was difficult but im starting to get the hang of it. Im surprised at how much neccessity can drive you to do and or learn.

We have some pretty insane work hours during the assault phase of our rotation and our bodies get worn down. Blisters form on our feet and open sores form on our sides and just above our belt buckles from our 50-90lb vest/weapons rubbing holes in us, WE're sore from our workouts, hungry cause we miss 2 sometimes all three meals in a day because we arent in a place where we can eat so we are left with snacks, and we are tired, but somehow morale seems to be at its highest during our lowest points. Ive yet to figure out the reason, maybe its because we dont have time to think of how bad it sucks or maybe we enjoy the pain, or... Who knows?

But, Dont worry about us because we have other phases in our rotation that give us lots of recovery time. During these Phases we sit in towers guarding the JCOP or Some other place or we are back at the Fob enjoying the DFac and Gym. Actually thats my biggest complaint about the JCOP is that our "gym" consists of a bar and three different weights of plates for it. Theres only so many workouts tat you can do with those but we make due. I have some medicine balls and pushup bars (cause these floors are covered in who knows what). A side note; You know te floors and ground is dirty when an infantryman wont pickup food that hes dropped and eat it regardless of how hungry he is. Theres maybe two people here in the entire company that'll eat food thats touched the floor.

Anyways thats all my time

I give up.

I give up.

I 'll fight this war till I'm told I don't have to and then Ill go home till I'm told to come back and fight this war some more.

Im kinda tired of constantly having to prove myself to people. I'm not going to do it anymore. My squad leader thinks I need to yell at people more. I don't think so so I'm not going to, and you know what? Ill still get promoted just watch. Jenna has a "hard time believing" me. Well, believe what you will. I cant force you to believe me anyways so why try. I cant tell you some things so I'm not going to. My mother just straight up doesn't believe Ive done anything special ever. Okay so then I just dont tell her about anything so to her Ive never been in the PRCA, nor even ridden a bull Ive never been in anything remotely big like the NFR my grandmother saw me ride in on TV and I'm just some average joe doing the same thing as everyone else mindlessly running through life and not helping to catch some of the biggest bad guys over here.


I'm done. I am who I am, take it or leave it, I just don't wanna hear about it anymore. I dont see why I should try if it doesn't matter anyways.

Good night I'm off to do more of that meaningless shit I cant talk about though its all over the god damn news.

5 miles to freedom!

Can a month possibly be longer than a year? Logically no, a year is 365 days and a month is 30, 31 or 28. I could break it down to hours and minutes and seconds but I'm lazy and I really don't want to know. You guys can but feel free to keep it to yourselves. But time is a moving thing and as with all motion velocity has to be relative to something, and I guess that relativity is me.

Time is something I don't think about until I have a goal. Three years ago as I was getting out of basic they were telling me that Id be deployed within 3 months. I thought "Cool, I have a bunch of new skills lets put em to work, see how they hold up." a Year and a half passes and I link up once again with my oldest friend and fall back into love, putting a whole new perspective in my now upside down life. That was about the time we'd gotten our orders for Iraq. "Within the year we will be in Iraq men, prepare." Suddenly I wasn't too keen on the idea.

I found myself diving out of my work clothes to do everything I could with my Myna. She was mine and I wanted to make sure her roots were firmly planted in mina-soil afore I left off to the world unknown. A year just didn't seem long enough for any of the things I wanted for her and myself. The physical distance between us was a hamper that would stop all the the determined mina from getting at their mynas and Id be damned if I wasn't a determined mina. We flew her up and I made sure to send her back wanting more. Shes a slippery critter but when I apply myself I find theres very little I cant accomplish. All the while the time was ticking away and I could almost see her mina tanks emptying themselves of the mina-love all over the floor of her Colorado Springs house. Thats a very terrifying feeling to have when you are in that position.

I decided I was going to fill the tanks to the brim right before I stepped onto the bird. We did everything she'd ben telling me shed been wanting to do up to that point. We hit the movies, went to the glass museum, Hit up the Japanese gardens and did a whole bunch of other stuff including one very disappointing trip to the Seattle Aquarium.

Then, It was deployment time. we drove to the barracks and got out and said goodbye. Then I hugged her and went to say good bye to my momma. Then I did one of the hardest things Ive ever had to do. I walked away from my life. I looked back once. I teared up. But I didn't go back and try to make it all easier. Its one of the few times in my life I really just wanted to cry, just a balled up on the floor tear fountain. I'm very proud of the fact that I didn't go back, and not in that whole masculine "I'm a hero I don't feel pain" thing but on a personal level. I know that going back would have ruined the nice clean sever we had accomplished. If I'dve gone back there would have been tears and Jenna and my Momma and even I would have it 50 times harder to get through it. But since I didn't go back, and they didn't wait to see me off, we occupied ourselves before the grief could set in.

Now I sit here in the middle of the land that god forgot writing this and thinking about the 6 or 7 months I left here wondering if time always moved this slow or if its just because I cant wait to start living again. I think that 6 months is a very long time, possibly ten times longer than that year I had to get My mynaplant rooted. So, yes a month can be far more than a year, I'm sure of it, especially when you are anticipating repotting your myna into your pot.

Anyways, this Little gardener is off to tend his field, shes 5 miles from talking to me.

Grump

Grump Grump Grump!

Jenna's a grump.

Thats it. Thats all I wanted to say. Shes a grump and I have to squease it out of her when I get back.

Jenna's moving to Texas cause Wyoming's not far enough away from me.

Well actually on a serious note the Myna and I have had a pretty bad bout of not really arguments but just uncomfy subjects. In the end it changed our relationship rather drastically and we act alot differently. I'm not sure how this is going to pan out but its probably a step forward. Now let me clarify, when I say arguments with Jenna I really don't mean yelling at each other and saying heated comments. They are more like debates where we acknowledge each other's points and come to a very logical and progressive outcome. They aren't heated and if they do then we cast them off till later because our minds shut down when we get heated. So yes, we fight alot but they aren't really fights.

She grumbled that I wasn't posting so heres one.
umm... They made me wear specific eyepro now so I have to put away my halfjackets and pick up the old army issue M frames again. I hate those things so much cause they fog up too often due to lack of airflow.

Anyways Im off to save the world one cheeto at a time. (theres a Cheeto infestation planned but Im on to them)

MAUW MIX

Well.... I had a whole bunch of stuff to write about till I opened the window now I have no idea what I'm going to say.

So, Jenna's in Denver goofing off with her old friends and going shopping so I get the rare chance to actually talk to her. See, on the ranch, her cell phone doesn't get any service and shes never at the house so calling her is pretty pointless. But in Denver, her cell phone gets perfect signal so Ive been talking to her all day when I can. I talked her battery dead the other day and Ill do it again today if I can. Unless she forgot her charger which shes notorious for.

I started my Notta momma book last night. Its good but its a little girly. I think ill like it though.

On a side note, someone who loves me very much sent me zingers and Ive been munching them as quick as Ill allow myself to cause I have a limited supply of them. I'm down to two. Its a bad situation. Its almost like starving only you aren't dieing and you don't get cramps. Okay so its nothing like starving other than its lack of food, though if you talk to Myna they aren't food at all they are crap food, but I loves my crap food.

I hate arguments cause nothing I ever say comes out right and I just wind up hurting my cause. I can almost see my cause laying on the floor getting flogged from both sides. Not that Im having an argument right now. In fact the nofight streak is extending itself another day. so far its been 4. Heres hoping it lasts. Wow I made it sound like we fight all the time. well we kinda have alot of arguments while I'm here in Iraq but they aren't huge ones and we usually wind up happy at the end of them. but Im sure they will start to lull when I get my ability to make faces at her again. She cant resist them. Shes a sucker for the mina faces. Oh and for the grump squease. She tries to deny it sometimes but I know her way too well for her to grow used to my faces, I change them enough.

Now I got a Baby chichen puppet in the mail from my momma and have been chasing people around the bay yelling CHICHEN! CHICHEN! CHICHEN! They think Im crazy but I know that its a sign Im still sane. Or maybe I never was sane. Who knows? In my world Im sane and thats all that really matters, Jennas loopy as hell though. Its the high estrogen level that causes it. I see the evidence in every girl.

Anyways none of these were on the list of what I wanted to talk about today so... Im not going to write about the other stuff.

Hello Spark

Hello everyone, Meet Spark. well this one isn't really Spark but shes almost just like this one sept she doesn't have the chrome grille. Spark is a one of a kind Girl Jeep liberty that is mine (thats why its one of a kind). Shes a 4x4 Sport version so her grille is actually red crystal pearl or something like that. I really want to drive her but shes in the states so I have to wait. But while I wait I am planning all the stuff I'm going to go do with her.

Shes an SUV so she can carry me, my girlfriend and all our camping stuff up to the hiking trails and mountain peak trails. Thats gonna be fun, plus its exercise! I might get some summer tires rather than all terrains cause of all the rain in Washington. The summer tires just grip a whole bunch better in rain, something Ive learned from all the car magazines Ive read in my pursuit for finding a car I like that I can afford. I dunno, theres other stuff but I don't remember what it is.

Jenna and I have been having a nice little not fighting spell, I hope it lasts for a while. We've started this thing where we both read the same books then we talk to each other about them. I'm supposed to get my first book sometime this week. Its about some girls who's searching for a meaningful relationship without kids. I call it the Notta Mommie book.

Umm... what else? not much.
Night all
:D

And The World Comes Back Into Focus

Rule number 1: never post when you are overly emotional or overly tired. You are never thinking straight and have likely not had the time to think through your problems.

Well that rule was broken last night but im not so sure it was bad that I did. It helped me think through what was actually bothering me. The truth of the matter is that is had nothing to do with Jenna, nor my relationship with her. I was pretty tore up last night, irritated with the missions I have to do and irritated with an argument I had that sparked the frustrations i have with my leadership, not that its her fault for the argument. Lately we've been moving with a pretty hardcore pace with very little to show for it. not that we aren't doing our job, its just that theres nothing going on in our sector atm, not that our leadership sees it that way.

Theres been very little drive in my life right now, my mission atm is to bring myself and my battle buddy home safe. after that I care not for what I do over here. My leaders have taken one too many risks with my life and that of my battle buddy and the army has saw fit to place the most mechanical people over us. I used to care about what we were doing here. I dont much anymore. I look for the signs of threat but beyond that Iraw really has to step up and get a desire to defend themselves against the foreign powers that are blowing the shit out of their country, and no Im not referring to the US as terrorists. I'm meaning the Arabic people from surrounding nations that are either spearheading the terror cells or financing them. Until I'm convinced they want to turn it around then I'm looking after myself and my own. Ill follow my orders to a T but Ill do it on my terms.

I just got finished reading the new Eclectic Horseman. As I read it I felt the fire spread inside me. It put everything back into perspective, showed me everything I loved about my life and the life I have ahead of me with Jenna and Quickdraw. It surprises me that I strayed so far from who I truly am. I can see again and I want my rope. and those nifty little metal stirrups from Hoolihan Horse Gear.

Till next time, Keep your heels down, your grip tight, and free hand reaching for the stars, but most of all keep your eye on the rosette.

Mauw Chichen!

Post of Questions with no answer

Do you ever feel like sometimes you arent going to make it? no matter how much conviction you had the day before you just wonder?

I feel like that right now. I love her and I know she loves me but I just feel so disconnected. Like I could tell her my lungs are turning green and im sprouting yellow tulips out of my nose and all shed say is "Tulips are nice."

Is there really a limit on us? Could it be this low? Am I just being an idiot? I try and try not to get into arguments but they come. It seems like they've been coming more often as of late and I know Ive been more touchy. I cant really help it though. I'm almost afraid to not argue my point cause the last thing this relationship needs is resentment. But if it truely was working right would there really be any resentment if I didn't argue? Is it a trust issue? Do I not trust her to have my best interest in her plans as well as her own? Does she even consider me in her plans or just her plans themselves?

Am I where the blame lies? Has my lack of control here in Iraq led to me needing more control in the relationship? Have I let all the people in my life instill doubt and ruin the foundation I've worked so hard to build? Am I just being pessimistic or blowing this all out of proportion?

Big problems have a way of finding me but its always the small ones that set me back. A big problem usually has an easy answer, it may not be a very appealing answer but its at least easy to identify. These small things add up and dont always have the same source or answer. Sometimes they are just phantoms and are only there in my mind.

Take an egg beater to my brain and you'll see physically whats there mentally.
Goodnight

When bad plans take a turn for the extraordinary

This is where I was this morning. Yup! walking along the Tigris looking around. It was a mission I was really loathe to go on but turned out to be one of the best Ive been on as far as aesthetics. Believe me this picture does no justice to the real sunrise at the time. It was fun and we spent all day wandering around Iraq talking to people and taking pictures. If it weren't for my weapon and gear it'd have been like any day hike in the Florida wilderness.

Anyways, Just an update for the myna cause shes off playing with horses.

Left behind.

Back home things are happening. The ones you love adapt to life without you. They do things you don't understand not because they don't make sense but because you are out of the picture. and just as they have to be accepting, so do you. Thats so easy to say, I can say it a million times over and still it'll be 10 times harder to do because there IS no logic behind it. Theres no way to understand everything that goes on back home.

You see their lives unfolding, plans coming to a head and starting to work themselves out. The worst part of those plans is that you aren't in them. Theres no room for the little Mina. You see all thats going on and you fight to stay in her world but you cant, theres no way. Its hard to sit back and accept that and so you get in a whole bunch of small but fierce fights where neither of you know what you want besides to be happy.

Theres no way for me to sit back and watch my world go off without me. its like ripping your chest apart with your bare hands. All you really want to do is scream. there is no release. Missions do well to distract you, give you something more pressing to think about and a small way of preserving what you need, cause without you then theres no way to be in her world. So you think about your task at hand but when you get back its there waiting for you.

If shes anyones shes mine, but she walks alone in a world Im not in. I miss that world. I miss her.

Thirty seconds of base covering

"The things that we're afraid of are gonna show us what we're made of in the end." Third Eye Blind - She Likes me for me-

I love this quote. It reminds me that I'm only afraid because I care, and you cant be afraid of losing something you don't have. She's mine and shes stuck.

I missed her this morning, granted she was only on for 30 seconds (literally) but I was on the computer! There was no way I should have missed her but I did and it sucks. Now I don't get to wish her luck or remind her that you lose points for falling off. Not that she needs it, but its fun to torment her like she does.

Shes going to a ranch roping today. Its the one thing about horses I know more than she does so I like to rub it in. Plus shes been a butthead and has been avoiding me lately. Not always directly but she does millions of other things while we talk so she doesn't actually talk to me. She talks kinda at me, like shes saying her thoughts rather than telling me about them. Or like shes reading off a list of things she has to do. I know shes busy and I know I'm not the most talkative person in the world, but I can grumble and whine if I want to. HEMPH!!

Things go through phases around here and sometimes the bad can be good for us. There are times when I go outside the wire for days on end, sometimes a week or two. These days or weeks suck pretty bad. I have no idea whats going on back home and I have a million things to say and topics I want to discuss. sometimes I have guard duty while I'm out and have hours and hours to sit there and think about what I could be doing. Then theres the missions and the added stress of not coming back and washing up. I have to be in kit alot more and that irritates my back (I pulled a muscle in it and some of my vertebrae were stuck and it hurts). Theres a million other things that make it worse than when Im on the FOB but I don't really care to write them all. When I come back though, Myna and I have things to talk about, we've had time to think about what whats important and we're reminded at how much we mean to each other.
But again sometimes life intervenes on the civilian side when I get back and it adds to it the frustration rather than relieves it. You write letters and stuff and talk about things that you think are important and relevant. I guess sometimes you are wrong, they aren't that important or they don't really like what you are making and you feel disappointed cause its had days and days to inflate in your mind. Thats where your will comes into play. You just have to fight down your dumb ass fears and accept whats going on and try to be as understanding as they are when you go away for your time out. But its hard cause I'm selfish and I want MY myna. I don't want her to be diluted with ancillary stuff. Shes MINE, not the worlds.

Distance

Theres always doubts in a relationship. Especially one like mine. Doubts on both sides about every aspect of the relationship. Some are easy to cast off and some sit there and haunt you though you know theres no possibility they're true. Distance seems to amplify them and give them all credit, from just out of sight to around the world, they grow with each stride and they are a poison that hurts worse than if they were true.

You are always in a state of wonder when you are deployed. You wonder when you will get to talk next, you wonder how they are doing and what they are thinking. nd theres this horrible dichotomy between wanting them to be constantly thinking about you and not wanting them to hurt or be worried.

Then theres always the fear. You think about all the people like you that are carefree and back in the states. The temptations that sit behind every corner just waiting for those you care for to walk by. Knowing that if they did there was nothing you could do but have faith in your grip on their heart. You trust them and you know that you have no reason to fear but still, you do. Thats what makes them so much worse than if your loved ones actually did leave for someone else, knowing that you are the one who's causing the fear in yourself. All you want to do is blame them for not being there but you cant cause its not them, is you. Its your decision that put you here and not there where you should be.

Theres times that it seems like they cant be bothered to deal with you and you know that they are just busy cause they have lives they haven't left behind. Its hard to see that the world doesn't pause back home to wait for you to come back. I seems stupid to think it stops for you bu tI found that realization hard to grasp. Nothing important is going back at Fort Lewis and most of what you hear is how people are waiting for you to get back. Major decisions come and they deal with them on their own, most the time you don't even hear of them and when you do you want more than anything to put them off till you can be there and help put that plan into motion. I'm constantly reminded how much easier things would be if I was at home to lend a hand. But, decisions need to be made and the worst thing you can do is not make them.

You hang on the moments you share. You don't always care that theres nothing to say, sometimes just having them there, even if they are ignoring your IMs, is all you really need. The candid pictures you took while you were together pull you back from the depression and worry. I have one of me grabbing her face and licking her cheek that fills me with warmth when I see it. In it we're both laughing and half of its fuzzy and out of focus but it captures us perfectly.

Hello blog world

Well, I created this blog so I could have a place to vent my frustrations and write about some of the difficulties with having along distance relationship while in combat. I don't know how often I'm going to post or even that I will stay on topic but I will gripe and complain and argue with myself quite consistently.

Okay to be honest Its all about the relationship I'm having and yes theres alot of downs but theres also a lot of ups and those will be in here too. I'm ogdable with spelling so if you are a spelling or grammar nut then this definitely isn't the weekly visit blog for you.

Also another warning, My girly and I are very cheesy so if you are easily over cheesed then this blog might be a little too rich for you. But if you like to eat cheese its by the handfull while using the other hand to slice open a wheel of gouda then you might like what I say.

Anyways, All the warnings have been posted so if you say I didn't warn you then... um... you'll make me wonder about you, come to think of it thats a very good way to break the ice with someone you dont know. "hey mister, you didnt warn me at all. what were you thinking?" then walk away. Maybe even use it as a pickup line. "Heya chickadee, No warning at all I see, thats dangerous you know." then once again walk away. They'll be thinking you're crazy and though they might be right, they will still have their mind on you. Sounds like victory in my book.