Distance

Theres always doubts in a relationship. Especially one like mine. Doubts on both sides about every aspect of the relationship. Some are easy to cast off and some sit there and haunt you though you know theres no possibility they're true. Distance seems to amplify them and give them all credit, from just out of sight to around the world, they grow with each stride and they are a poison that hurts worse than if they were true.

You are always in a state of wonder when you are deployed. You wonder when you will get to talk next, you wonder how they are doing and what they are thinking. nd theres this horrible dichotomy between wanting them to be constantly thinking about you and not wanting them to hurt or be worried.

Then theres always the fear. You think about all the people like you that are carefree and back in the states. The temptations that sit behind every corner just waiting for those you care for to walk by. Knowing that if they did there was nothing you could do but have faith in your grip on their heart. You trust them and you know that you have no reason to fear but still, you do. Thats what makes them so much worse than if your loved ones actually did leave for someone else, knowing that you are the one who's causing the fear in yourself. All you want to do is blame them for not being there but you cant cause its not them, is you. Its your decision that put you here and not there where you should be.

Theres times that it seems like they cant be bothered to deal with you and you know that they are just busy cause they have lives they haven't left behind. Its hard to see that the world doesn't pause back home to wait for you to come back. I seems stupid to think it stops for you bu tI found that realization hard to grasp. Nothing important is going back at Fort Lewis and most of what you hear is how people are waiting for you to get back. Major decisions come and they deal with them on their own, most the time you don't even hear of them and when you do you want more than anything to put them off till you can be there and help put that plan into motion. I'm constantly reminded how much easier things would be if I was at home to lend a hand. But, decisions need to be made and the worst thing you can do is not make them.

You hang on the moments you share. You don't always care that theres nothing to say, sometimes just having them there, even if they are ignoring your IMs, is all you really need. The candid pictures you took while you were together pull you back from the depression and worry. I have one of me grabbing her face and licking her cheek that fills me with warmth when I see it. In it we're both laughing and half of its fuzzy and out of focus but it captures us perfectly.