And The World Comes Back Into Focus

Rule number 1: never post when you are overly emotional or overly tired. You are never thinking straight and have likely not had the time to think through your problems.

Well that rule was broken last night but im not so sure it was bad that I did. It helped me think through what was actually bothering me. The truth of the matter is that is had nothing to do with Jenna, nor my relationship with her. I was pretty tore up last night, irritated with the missions I have to do and irritated with an argument I had that sparked the frustrations i have with my leadership, not that its her fault for the argument. Lately we've been moving with a pretty hardcore pace with very little to show for it. not that we aren't doing our job, its just that theres nothing going on in our sector atm, not that our leadership sees it that way.

Theres been very little drive in my life right now, my mission atm is to bring myself and my battle buddy home safe. after that I care not for what I do over here. My leaders have taken one too many risks with my life and that of my battle buddy and the army has saw fit to place the most mechanical people over us. I used to care about what we were doing here. I dont much anymore. I look for the signs of threat but beyond that Iraw really has to step up and get a desire to defend themselves against the foreign powers that are blowing the shit out of their country, and no Im not referring to the US as terrorists. I'm meaning the Arabic people from surrounding nations that are either spearheading the terror cells or financing them. Until I'm convinced they want to turn it around then I'm looking after myself and my own. Ill follow my orders to a T but Ill do it on my terms.

I just got finished reading the new Eclectic Horseman. As I read it I felt the fire spread inside me. It put everything back into perspective, showed me everything I loved about my life and the life I have ahead of me with Jenna and Quickdraw. It surprises me that I strayed so far from who I truly am. I can see again and I want my rope. and those nifty little metal stirrups from Hoolihan Horse Gear.

Till next time, Keep your heels down, your grip tight, and free hand reaching for the stars, but most of all keep your eye on the rosette.

Mauw Chichen!

Post of Questions with no answer

Do you ever feel like sometimes you arent going to make it? no matter how much conviction you had the day before you just wonder?

I feel like that right now. I love her and I know she loves me but I just feel so disconnected. Like I could tell her my lungs are turning green and im sprouting yellow tulips out of my nose and all shed say is "Tulips are nice."

Is there really a limit on us? Could it be this low? Am I just being an idiot? I try and try not to get into arguments but they come. It seems like they've been coming more often as of late and I know Ive been more touchy. I cant really help it though. I'm almost afraid to not argue my point cause the last thing this relationship needs is resentment. But if it truely was working right would there really be any resentment if I didn't argue? Is it a trust issue? Do I not trust her to have my best interest in her plans as well as her own? Does she even consider me in her plans or just her plans themselves?

Am I where the blame lies? Has my lack of control here in Iraq led to me needing more control in the relationship? Have I let all the people in my life instill doubt and ruin the foundation I've worked so hard to build? Am I just being pessimistic or blowing this all out of proportion?

Big problems have a way of finding me but its always the small ones that set me back. A big problem usually has an easy answer, it may not be a very appealing answer but its at least easy to identify. These small things add up and dont always have the same source or answer. Sometimes they are just phantoms and are only there in my mind.

Take an egg beater to my brain and you'll see physically whats there mentally.
Goodnight

When bad plans take a turn for the extraordinary

This is where I was this morning. Yup! walking along the Tigris looking around. It was a mission I was really loathe to go on but turned out to be one of the best Ive been on as far as aesthetics. Believe me this picture does no justice to the real sunrise at the time. It was fun and we spent all day wandering around Iraq talking to people and taking pictures. If it weren't for my weapon and gear it'd have been like any day hike in the Florida wilderness.

Anyways, Just an update for the myna cause shes off playing with horses.

Left behind.

Back home things are happening. The ones you love adapt to life without you. They do things you don't understand not because they don't make sense but because you are out of the picture. and just as they have to be accepting, so do you. Thats so easy to say, I can say it a million times over and still it'll be 10 times harder to do because there IS no logic behind it. Theres no way to understand everything that goes on back home.

You see their lives unfolding, plans coming to a head and starting to work themselves out. The worst part of those plans is that you aren't in them. Theres no room for the little Mina. You see all thats going on and you fight to stay in her world but you cant, theres no way. Its hard to sit back and accept that and so you get in a whole bunch of small but fierce fights where neither of you know what you want besides to be happy.

Theres no way for me to sit back and watch my world go off without me. its like ripping your chest apart with your bare hands. All you really want to do is scream. there is no release. Missions do well to distract you, give you something more pressing to think about and a small way of preserving what you need, cause without you then theres no way to be in her world. So you think about your task at hand but when you get back its there waiting for you.

If shes anyones shes mine, but she walks alone in a world Im not in. I miss that world. I miss her.

Thirty seconds of base covering

"The things that we're afraid of are gonna show us what we're made of in the end." Third Eye Blind - She Likes me for me-

I love this quote. It reminds me that I'm only afraid because I care, and you cant be afraid of losing something you don't have. She's mine and shes stuck.

I missed her this morning, granted she was only on for 30 seconds (literally) but I was on the computer! There was no way I should have missed her but I did and it sucks. Now I don't get to wish her luck or remind her that you lose points for falling off. Not that she needs it, but its fun to torment her like she does.

Shes going to a ranch roping today. Its the one thing about horses I know more than she does so I like to rub it in. Plus shes been a butthead and has been avoiding me lately. Not always directly but she does millions of other things while we talk so she doesn't actually talk to me. She talks kinda at me, like shes saying her thoughts rather than telling me about them. Or like shes reading off a list of things she has to do. I know shes busy and I know I'm not the most talkative person in the world, but I can grumble and whine if I want to. HEMPH!!

Things go through phases around here and sometimes the bad can be good for us. There are times when I go outside the wire for days on end, sometimes a week or two. These days or weeks suck pretty bad. I have no idea whats going on back home and I have a million things to say and topics I want to discuss. sometimes I have guard duty while I'm out and have hours and hours to sit there and think about what I could be doing. Then theres the missions and the added stress of not coming back and washing up. I have to be in kit alot more and that irritates my back (I pulled a muscle in it and some of my vertebrae were stuck and it hurts). Theres a million other things that make it worse than when Im on the FOB but I don't really care to write them all. When I come back though, Myna and I have things to talk about, we've had time to think about what whats important and we're reminded at how much we mean to each other.
But again sometimes life intervenes on the civilian side when I get back and it adds to it the frustration rather than relieves it. You write letters and stuff and talk about things that you think are important and relevant. I guess sometimes you are wrong, they aren't that important or they don't really like what you are making and you feel disappointed cause its had days and days to inflate in your mind. Thats where your will comes into play. You just have to fight down your dumb ass fears and accept whats going on and try to be as understanding as they are when you go away for your time out. But its hard cause I'm selfish and I want MY myna. I don't want her to be diluted with ancillary stuff. Shes MINE, not the worlds.

Distance

Theres always doubts in a relationship. Especially one like mine. Doubts on both sides about every aspect of the relationship. Some are easy to cast off and some sit there and haunt you though you know theres no possibility they're true. Distance seems to amplify them and give them all credit, from just out of sight to around the world, they grow with each stride and they are a poison that hurts worse than if they were true.

You are always in a state of wonder when you are deployed. You wonder when you will get to talk next, you wonder how they are doing and what they are thinking. nd theres this horrible dichotomy between wanting them to be constantly thinking about you and not wanting them to hurt or be worried.

Then theres always the fear. You think about all the people like you that are carefree and back in the states. The temptations that sit behind every corner just waiting for those you care for to walk by. Knowing that if they did there was nothing you could do but have faith in your grip on their heart. You trust them and you know that you have no reason to fear but still, you do. Thats what makes them so much worse than if your loved ones actually did leave for someone else, knowing that you are the one who's causing the fear in yourself. All you want to do is blame them for not being there but you cant cause its not them, is you. Its your decision that put you here and not there where you should be.

Theres times that it seems like they cant be bothered to deal with you and you know that they are just busy cause they have lives they haven't left behind. Its hard to see that the world doesn't pause back home to wait for you to come back. I seems stupid to think it stops for you bu tI found that realization hard to grasp. Nothing important is going back at Fort Lewis and most of what you hear is how people are waiting for you to get back. Major decisions come and they deal with them on their own, most the time you don't even hear of them and when you do you want more than anything to put them off till you can be there and help put that plan into motion. I'm constantly reminded how much easier things would be if I was at home to lend a hand. But, decisions need to be made and the worst thing you can do is not make them.

You hang on the moments you share. You don't always care that theres nothing to say, sometimes just having them there, even if they are ignoring your IMs, is all you really need. The candid pictures you took while you were together pull you back from the depression and worry. I have one of me grabbing her face and licking her cheek that fills me with warmth when I see it. In it we're both laughing and half of its fuzzy and out of focus but it captures us perfectly.

Hello blog world

Well, I created this blog so I could have a place to vent my frustrations and write about some of the difficulties with having along distance relationship while in combat. I don't know how often I'm going to post or even that I will stay on topic but I will gripe and complain and argue with myself quite consistently.

Okay to be honest Its all about the relationship I'm having and yes theres alot of downs but theres also a lot of ups and those will be in here too. I'm ogdable with spelling so if you are a spelling or grammar nut then this definitely isn't the weekly visit blog for you.

Also another warning, My girly and I are very cheesy so if you are easily over cheesed then this blog might be a little too rich for you. But if you like to eat cheese its by the handfull while using the other hand to slice open a wheel of gouda then you might like what I say.

Anyways, All the warnings have been posted so if you say I didn't warn you then... um... you'll make me wonder about you, come to think of it thats a very good way to break the ice with someone you dont know. "hey mister, you didnt warn me at all. what were you thinking?" then walk away. Maybe even use it as a pickup line. "Heya chickadee, No warning at all I see, thats dangerous you know." then once again walk away. They'll be thinking you're crazy and though they might be right, they will still have their mind on you. Sounds like victory in my book.