Do you ever feel like sometimes you arent going to make it? no matter how much conviction you had the day before you just wonder?
I feel like that right now. I love her and I know she loves me but I just feel so disconnected. Like I could tell her my lungs are turning green and im sprouting yellow tulips out of my nose and all shed say is "Tulips are nice."
Is there really a limit on us? Could it be this low? Am I just being an idiot? I try and try not to get into arguments but they come. It seems like they've been coming more often as of late and I know Ive been more touchy. I cant really help it though. I'm almost afraid to not argue my point cause the last thing this relationship needs is resentment. But if it truely was working right would there really be any resentment if I didn't argue? Is it a trust issue? Do I not trust her to have my best interest in her plans as well as her own? Does she even consider me in her plans or just her plans themselves?
Am I where the blame lies? Has my lack of control here in Iraq led to me needing more control in the relationship? Have I let all the people in my life instill doubt and ruin the foundation I've worked so hard to build? Am I just being pessimistic or blowing this all out of proportion?
Big problems have a way of finding me but its always the small ones that set me back. A big problem usually has an easy answer, it may not be a very appealing answer but its at least easy to identify. These small things add up and dont always have the same source or answer. Sometimes they are just phantoms and are only there in my mind.
Take an egg beater to my brain and you'll see physically whats there mentally.
Goodnight
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Your doubts do chip at your foundation. Tulips are nice, even when then come out of your nose. I will not resent you with out telling you. That is a promise I made to myself. I am not going to "secretly resent you" mauwmater. Doubt has pervaded my thoughts and been eating away my brain for a while, but I know I can't let it in. I accept that I have doubts and I know that sometimes I feel discontent and disconnected. But I pretend that I don't have doubts because I know that if you were here I wouldn't have doubts.
There are going to be doubts. But when the going gets tough the tough get going.
It's okay if you are blowing things out of proportion and if you are being controlling or what not because I am compensating for it the best I can. I understand that you are not the you that you used to be and that you do un-you-like things. We cope as best we can. I did give you hell this morning and then leave abruptly.
I don't know whether or not you trust me. You have been so adamant before that there was no bottom. Now you seem to think there is. Hmmm seems strange. I though you were the rock and I was the wave. Maybe you aren't the rock either. I wonder what it means that you have found the bottom if you really have. I don't think I truly have.
I know this stuff is hard for you, but I love you. I am sorry my words don't comfort you as much as yours comfort me.
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