Alienated

I'm here in the green zone of Iraq making my sworn statement against a terrorist my team caught. For those of you that don't know, the green zone is a super safe area in the Baghdad area were all the cool palaces are and most of the monuments. For the first time in combat I feel kind of different from everyone around me. I hear people talk of what they would do in a mortar attack and I think to myself that most the time you don't know one is going on until its already over. I hear people talk about how they wish they'd seen some action and that if this place gets over run how they will jump up and help the marines fight. I know the truth. The truth is that even I would get in the marines way, not because I'm any less of a fighter or trained to any less degree, but because I don't know my way around here. I wouldn't know who to shoot or who not to. My best use would be to help centralize the noncombatants. I know that if a hole was blown into this wall that the roof would still stand.

I saw a convoy of humvees today with their IBAs hung on the outside of their vehicles. I couldn't say anything. I get weird looks because when I'm idle I clean my weapon off. I see people all around me that mean well and want to help but are misled.

Its kind of sad to think that many of these people think they want to be where I am but the reality is it sucks where I am. I guess a friend of mine had it right when he said,"the suck is where the story comes from." I'm not so sure the story's worth it. Be happy where you are. I know you get bored here and your deployment seems to take forever, but it has a definite end that has you back home. Id rather do a 15 month deployment in the green zone than a 10 month deployment in Mosul or Diyala. There's alot of fun things to do out there enjoy them.

I'm no better than you are because I'm where I am, I'm just a little less lucky.

Life at the JCOP and All that Jazz.

Well as you already know Im not around the Fob much anymore and the internet is nonexistant where I usually am so I dont get much of a chance to communicate. I Work alot when Im out in sector but I rarely do anything when Im back in the Fob. My free time now consists of trying to get my radio to work (not that it has too much of a problem it just doesn't wanna work well with other radios), working out, and learning what I can about shooting and general military knowledge. Im now Team leader of my team and thats changed my outlook on patrolling quite a bit. Theres a big difference between following orders on a dismounted patrol and actually having to come up with the correct orders to give. Like theres times when we need to get off the streets to protect ourselves, The selection of the right house or place to occupy and set up security is my job. Its a split second decision that needs to be done right so as to not step on anyones toes or put ourselves in any more danger. I thought My mind was constantly moving as a saw gunner with trying to learn the team leaders job and watching everything while analizing threat levels and primary concern areas but as the team leader I have to do all that (cause you never fully know the teamleaders job) on top of making the right decisions and knowing where all your men are and where they can see or not see and moving them around to best utilize their weapon systems. Oh and I have a gun too so I have to add myself to the equation and report everything Im doing to higher. My first patrol was difficult but im starting to get the hang of it. Im surprised at how much neccessity can drive you to do and or learn.

We have some pretty insane work hours during the assault phase of our rotation and our bodies get worn down. Blisters form on our feet and open sores form on our sides and just above our belt buckles from our 50-90lb vest/weapons rubbing holes in us, WE're sore from our workouts, hungry cause we miss 2 sometimes all three meals in a day because we arent in a place where we can eat so we are left with snacks, and we are tired, but somehow morale seems to be at its highest during our lowest points. Ive yet to figure out the reason, maybe its because we dont have time to think of how bad it sucks or maybe we enjoy the pain, or... Who knows?

But, Dont worry about us because we have other phases in our rotation that give us lots of recovery time. During these Phases we sit in towers guarding the JCOP or Some other place or we are back at the Fob enjoying the DFac and Gym. Actually thats my biggest complaint about the JCOP is that our "gym" consists of a bar and three different weights of plates for it. Theres only so many workouts tat you can do with those but we make due. I have some medicine balls and pushup bars (cause these floors are covered in who knows what). A side note; You know te floors and ground is dirty when an infantryman wont pickup food that hes dropped and eat it regardless of how hungry he is. Theres maybe two people here in the entire company that'll eat food thats touched the floor.

Anyways thats all my time

I give up.

I give up.

I 'll fight this war till I'm told I don't have to and then Ill go home till I'm told to come back and fight this war some more.

Im kinda tired of constantly having to prove myself to people. I'm not going to do it anymore. My squad leader thinks I need to yell at people more. I don't think so so I'm not going to, and you know what? Ill still get promoted just watch. Jenna has a "hard time believing" me. Well, believe what you will. I cant force you to believe me anyways so why try. I cant tell you some things so I'm not going to. My mother just straight up doesn't believe Ive done anything special ever. Okay so then I just dont tell her about anything so to her Ive never been in the PRCA, nor even ridden a bull Ive never been in anything remotely big like the NFR my grandmother saw me ride in on TV and I'm just some average joe doing the same thing as everyone else mindlessly running through life and not helping to catch some of the biggest bad guys over here.


I'm done. I am who I am, take it or leave it, I just don't wanna hear about it anymore. I dont see why I should try if it doesn't matter anyways.

Good night I'm off to do more of that meaningless shit I cant talk about though its all over the god damn news.

5 miles to freedom!

Can a month possibly be longer than a year? Logically no, a year is 365 days and a month is 30, 31 or 28. I could break it down to hours and minutes and seconds but I'm lazy and I really don't want to know. You guys can but feel free to keep it to yourselves. But time is a moving thing and as with all motion velocity has to be relative to something, and I guess that relativity is me.

Time is something I don't think about until I have a goal. Three years ago as I was getting out of basic they were telling me that Id be deployed within 3 months. I thought "Cool, I have a bunch of new skills lets put em to work, see how they hold up." a Year and a half passes and I link up once again with my oldest friend and fall back into love, putting a whole new perspective in my now upside down life. That was about the time we'd gotten our orders for Iraq. "Within the year we will be in Iraq men, prepare." Suddenly I wasn't too keen on the idea.

I found myself diving out of my work clothes to do everything I could with my Myna. She was mine and I wanted to make sure her roots were firmly planted in mina-soil afore I left off to the world unknown. A year just didn't seem long enough for any of the things I wanted for her and myself. The physical distance between us was a hamper that would stop all the the determined mina from getting at their mynas and Id be damned if I wasn't a determined mina. We flew her up and I made sure to send her back wanting more. Shes a slippery critter but when I apply myself I find theres very little I cant accomplish. All the while the time was ticking away and I could almost see her mina tanks emptying themselves of the mina-love all over the floor of her Colorado Springs house. Thats a very terrifying feeling to have when you are in that position.

I decided I was going to fill the tanks to the brim right before I stepped onto the bird. We did everything she'd ben telling me shed been wanting to do up to that point. We hit the movies, went to the glass museum, Hit up the Japanese gardens and did a whole bunch of other stuff including one very disappointing trip to the Seattle Aquarium.

Then, It was deployment time. we drove to the barracks and got out and said goodbye. Then I hugged her and went to say good bye to my momma. Then I did one of the hardest things Ive ever had to do. I walked away from my life. I looked back once. I teared up. But I didn't go back and try to make it all easier. Its one of the few times in my life I really just wanted to cry, just a balled up on the floor tear fountain. I'm very proud of the fact that I didn't go back, and not in that whole masculine "I'm a hero I don't feel pain" thing but on a personal level. I know that going back would have ruined the nice clean sever we had accomplished. If I'dve gone back there would have been tears and Jenna and my Momma and even I would have it 50 times harder to get through it. But since I didn't go back, and they didn't wait to see me off, we occupied ourselves before the grief could set in.

Now I sit here in the middle of the land that god forgot writing this and thinking about the 6 or 7 months I left here wondering if time always moved this slow or if its just because I cant wait to start living again. I think that 6 months is a very long time, possibly ten times longer than that year I had to get My mynaplant rooted. So, yes a month can be far more than a year, I'm sure of it, especially when you are anticipating repotting your myna into your pot.

Anyways, this Little gardener is off to tend his field, shes 5 miles from talking to me.

Grump

Grump Grump Grump!

Jenna's a grump.

Thats it. Thats all I wanted to say. Shes a grump and I have to squease it out of her when I get back.

Jenna's moving to Texas cause Wyoming's not far enough away from me.

Well actually on a serious note the Myna and I have had a pretty bad bout of not really arguments but just uncomfy subjects. In the end it changed our relationship rather drastically and we act alot differently. I'm not sure how this is going to pan out but its probably a step forward. Now let me clarify, when I say arguments with Jenna I really don't mean yelling at each other and saying heated comments. They are more like debates where we acknowledge each other's points and come to a very logical and progressive outcome. They aren't heated and if they do then we cast them off till later because our minds shut down when we get heated. So yes, we fight alot but they aren't really fights.

She grumbled that I wasn't posting so heres one.
umm... They made me wear specific eyepro now so I have to put away my halfjackets and pick up the old army issue M frames again. I hate those things so much cause they fog up too often due to lack of airflow.

Anyways Im off to save the world one cheeto at a time. (theres a Cheeto infestation planned but Im on to them)

MAUW MIX

Well.... I had a whole bunch of stuff to write about till I opened the window now I have no idea what I'm going to say.

So, Jenna's in Denver goofing off with her old friends and going shopping so I get the rare chance to actually talk to her. See, on the ranch, her cell phone doesn't get any service and shes never at the house so calling her is pretty pointless. But in Denver, her cell phone gets perfect signal so Ive been talking to her all day when I can. I talked her battery dead the other day and Ill do it again today if I can. Unless she forgot her charger which shes notorious for.

I started my Notta momma book last night. Its good but its a little girly. I think ill like it though.

On a side note, someone who loves me very much sent me zingers and Ive been munching them as quick as Ill allow myself to cause I have a limited supply of them. I'm down to two. Its a bad situation. Its almost like starving only you aren't dieing and you don't get cramps. Okay so its nothing like starving other than its lack of food, though if you talk to Myna they aren't food at all they are crap food, but I loves my crap food.

I hate arguments cause nothing I ever say comes out right and I just wind up hurting my cause. I can almost see my cause laying on the floor getting flogged from both sides. Not that Im having an argument right now. In fact the nofight streak is extending itself another day. so far its been 4. Heres hoping it lasts. Wow I made it sound like we fight all the time. well we kinda have alot of arguments while I'm here in Iraq but they aren't huge ones and we usually wind up happy at the end of them. but Im sure they will start to lull when I get my ability to make faces at her again. She cant resist them. Shes a sucker for the mina faces. Oh and for the grump squease. She tries to deny it sometimes but I know her way too well for her to grow used to my faces, I change them enough.

Now I got a Baby chichen puppet in the mail from my momma and have been chasing people around the bay yelling CHICHEN! CHICHEN! CHICHEN! They think Im crazy but I know that its a sign Im still sane. Or maybe I never was sane. Who knows? In my world Im sane and thats all that really matters, Jennas loopy as hell though. Its the high estrogen level that causes it. I see the evidence in every girl.

Anyways none of these were on the list of what I wanted to talk about today so... Im not going to write about the other stuff.

Hello Spark

Hello everyone, Meet Spark. well this one isn't really Spark but shes almost just like this one sept she doesn't have the chrome grille. Spark is a one of a kind Girl Jeep liberty that is mine (thats why its one of a kind). Shes a 4x4 Sport version so her grille is actually red crystal pearl or something like that. I really want to drive her but shes in the states so I have to wait. But while I wait I am planning all the stuff I'm going to go do with her.

Shes an SUV so she can carry me, my girlfriend and all our camping stuff up to the hiking trails and mountain peak trails. Thats gonna be fun, plus its exercise! I might get some summer tires rather than all terrains cause of all the rain in Washington. The summer tires just grip a whole bunch better in rain, something Ive learned from all the car magazines Ive read in my pursuit for finding a car I like that I can afford. I dunno, theres other stuff but I don't remember what it is.

Jenna and I have been having a nice little not fighting spell, I hope it lasts for a while. We've started this thing where we both read the same books then we talk to each other about them. I'm supposed to get my first book sometime this week. Its about some girls who's searching for a meaningful relationship without kids. I call it the Notta Mommie book.

Umm... what else? not much.
Night all
:D